Australia (Aborigine for “Land Which Tries to Murder You”) has a unique solution to its burglary problem, a problem which has run rampant ever since all of the scum and villainy of the British Empire were dumped onto the shores of this great continent: Combat Wombats for Home Defense!
These cute little critters have a dark side to them, murdering and consuming their young, using their young as body shields against poisonous snakes, trading young to blood thirsty face eating spiders for bright baubles, but murdering home invaders have never before been counted amongst their skills! So when local dingo alpha, brgg’GUroo’RuGrn, suggested to train Combat Wombats to protect against home invaders, the Prime Minister was aghast.
“Crikey, the first thought through my head was they were after our babies!” PM Scott Morrison confessed his unrepentant specism to our reporter, “And they were, but after careful examination the idea began to grow roots! Crikey, what these Dingos had proposed could solve our policing situation! When 120% of 100% your population are all criminals, you have a bit of an issue hiring police! Oh, and uhhhh Crikey!”
In exchange, the Dingos receive a full rack of pork baby back ribs from every house! They were initially upset that the word PORK didn’t represent human babies, but after being introduced to real New Orleans BBQ Sauce, they agreed it was a better trade.
“Traditionally, guard dogs are somewhat effective, until the criminal drops a few treats at their paws, but according to the Dingos, with Combat Wombats, no criminal can escape no matter how tasty the treat is! Crikey, it boggled my mind as to how this was true!” the PM continued, “With a deal signed, the Dingos revealed all wombats can naturally smell a criminal! Therefore the homeowner will be protected, while the criminal is devoured whole!
Of course, there are some hurdles which still need to be overcome: as everyone in Australia is still a criminal, but, we expect every Aussie home to have a Combat Wombat installed by the end of this year! CRIKEY!”
Yes, Mr. Prime Minister, “Crikey Indeed!”