BREAKING: Jesus Fails Litmus Tests For Both Major Parties; Abandons 2020 Run!
Political disaster descends upon Jehova’s presidential speculation committee, as the two major American Political Parties reject him due to a total failure of litmus tests offered by both parties.
According to sources close to the second coming, Republicans disliked the fact he preached “Unbridled Socialism”, while Democrats specifically disliked the fact he “Hung out with a Hooker” amidst the #MeToo movement.
Both parties couldn’t fathom any so called “Greek Trained Doctor” helping the poor for free. This sentiment was reiterated by the AMA and all Health Insurance Lobbies, as they directly publicly threatened to pull all lobbying support from any candidate who supports the “Care for Your Neighbor” campaign platform.
Average people on the street were also sending some conflicting comments about the former presidential hopeful:
“They say he touches people to heal them! I don’t want anymore touchy grabby, we have enough of that already!” said one who identified themselves as an Ultra Progressive Marxist Liberal SJW Snowflake.
“How dare he heal people, I can’t believe he just put doctors and bankers out of business, by healing the poor and whipping the good honest change counters! They are just doing their job, why can’t he leave them alone and let the free market speak for itself?!” said one who identified themselves as a Constitutionally Minded Free Liberty Capitalist.
“Quite frankly, he didn’t grab enough whores for my tastes, and where’s his stance on prayer in school? I don’t see him praying to Jesus!” said one who identified themselves as a Conservative Family First 2nd Amendment Supporting Fine Pro Lifer.
It does appear one party did extend an arm out to Jesus, no, not the right arm, that party filed a Civil Protection Order against Jesus to prevent him from exorcising Hitler’s ghost from their meeting halls. No, the Communist party did ask Jesus to head their 2020 run. In response, Jehova had only this to say: “You do realize the Communist Party actually did create one of the worst monsters on the face of the planet right? Stalin was responsible for upwards of 40 MILLION Deaths, RIGHT?! If you really think I’d join them, then you don’t know me at all?!”
“Also,” he added, “It’s Jesus Hesus Christo. The Hesus isn’t a Spanish J, ok? It’s not Jehova, or Iehova, or Elohim. It’s Jesus Hesus Christo. Somehow when I abbreviated it J. Hesus Christo it became Jesus and Hesus depending on which country and language you spoke, it is all very confusing, I don’t understand it myself, and yet I managed to understand how the Catholics believe I’m my own father. I’m not, but I get why they might think that. Thank you, and love thy neighbor, ok? Not, you know, physically, unless you’re consenting adults, but you get it, be excellent to each other!”
Update: Civil lawsuits are pending against Jesus for his recent visit to the Children’s Burn Ward, and were filed by the administrators of the hospital for practicing medicine without a license. Apparently, he touched the children without consent of the doctors in order to heal them. Prosecutors are sending the evidence to the Grand Jury, on behalf of the healed children, to determine if they were victims of sexual assault.
Note from the Website: Hey guys, I am literally making fun of every politician out there, trying to be fair to everyone. I hope you can find the sardonic humor in this piece given the current attitude everyone has toward each other anymore 🙂 No offense was meant, this is intended to just give you a laugh.
2 thoughts on “BREAKING: Jesus Fails Litmus Tests For Both Major Parties; Abandons 2020 Run!”
If he ran on legalized pot, he’d win. Lol!
Is that an expert opinion?! Can you be quoted?!