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Michael Cohen’s Secret Testimony Accidentally Broadcast LIVE on Nickelodeon!

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Michael Cohen, bleeding from the eyes and fangs, accuses Trump of eating Babies, while Nuclear War Looms
“All the others failed to kill him, well, I’ve got the perfect plan! One of these babies has to be John Connor! I just need to eat one a day until I get the job done!” — El Presidente Trump

Michael Cohen drew ire from parents’ groups, yesterday, when he used Dracula Powers to hypnotize the Program Director for the internal CCTV record keeping system into broadcasting the secret hearing live on Nickelodeon.

“THERE WE WAS! RIGHT THERE! BLEEDING FROM HIS ORIFACES WHILE TEATSTIFYING TO TRUMP DEVOURING CHILDREN IN HIS SEARCH FOR SUPREME DOMINANCY!” one parent typed into our tips form, forgetting to turn his/her/its caps lock off, while also failing to turn their spellchecker on, “LIKE, WE ALL NOW TRUMP EATS BABIES! WE DONT NEED TO BE REMINDAD OF IT WHEN LAST AIRBENDER IS ON!”

Republicans were noticeably concerned over Trump’s questionable dietary habits, as he seemed to prefer white meat over other ethnic groups.

“I mean, honestly,” Senator Graham was reported to have said, “we have all of those brown backs sittin’ in concentration camps, completely abandoned by their parents, while keeping good, honest, ‘Murican guards and troopers from their families by forcing them to guard the little shits! If Trump were a true ‘Murican, he’d just devour them, and save everybody a whole lotta trouble!”

Democrats were noticeably more upset, as they threatened nuclear war on the Ukraine.

“What we have here is a clear, concerted, effort by the Russian Nationals in Moscow to interfere in the 2019 New York Elections!” Congresswoman Waters sneered, “It’s about time we use those missile emplacements Hillary installed in Europe, and bomb the hell out of the Ukraine!”

Proposals for launching nuclear strikes have gone into committee, whereupon the damage assessment is expected to expedited. The first round of talks between parties appeared to be going well before they recessed, so a ‘yes’ vote is likely once they return in 20231.

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