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Dear Luci Wide

Pickpocket from Australia writes:

“Luci I have been single for a very long time and I like it that way. But there are some things a girl just can’t do on her own. I want to rearrange all the furniture in house but it is too heavy for me. I don’t want to move house again so I can rearrange everything. Please HELP!!!

Dear Pickpocket,

I call you Pickpocket because your IP address says you come from Australia and you’re nothing more than a bunch of thieves, I know, because I torture sooooo soooooooo many of you on a daily basis, and you refused to sign off with your name. For that matter, you didn’t even properly address your letter with “Dear Luci,” . . .


Oh, wait, that’s right, you’re from Australia.


Ok, so let’s address your problem. You live in Australia. If you had a man, he’d move your furniture right out of your house and to the local pawn shop, where he’d then make off with your money, and lose it promptly to some other pickpocket, who would then blow it on booze, followed by some sort of obligatory oppression of the Aborigines. Whereupon, I’d have to torture at least 12 people, including yourself, for facilitating the oppression and destruction of a native culture.

In short, count yourself lucky you don’t have a man, then proceed to either move the furniture yourself, or just drink enough beer until you get so disoriented you think it has already been moved (or is moving). It’ll save you a few centuries of hot pokers.



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